My quesition for the day is - why do molehills become mountains? Someone said something today that hurt my feelings. It wasn't a big deal, really. Just a comment that was in response to something I though rather innocent. The remark made to me was a little out-of-line and I should have brushed it off. I don't think it was intentially meant to be mean. But that little molehill of a remark became a mountain. Four hours of crying off and on (I'm still a bit weepy when I think about it)and I realized that it opened a pandora's box.
Calling it a mountain might be a bit of an understatement. It was more like the molehill became a volcano! My emotions exploded into thought patterns that are wholly unproductive and really hard to shake. I suddenly wondered why I dismissed my own feelings as insignificant. Where in my upbringing was I told that what I thought and felt didn't matter? That snowballed into a host of other inacurate thoughts...like I have no friends; Nothing ever works out the way I want it to; all my dreams in life are ridiculous...and so on. And then I realized that I was embarrassed because someone had hurt my feelings. I thought that made me weak and in tandem, unloveable. I found myself angry at those around me who seemed to be in control. On the other hand, those who were emotional, or tender, I emphasised with them to the point that I cried right along with them.
And the funny thing was - as much as I wanted someone to comfort me, tell me I was still an okay person, if they attemped to climb the mountain, I pushed them off. I was too proud to let anyone know or see what was at the heart of my red, puffy eyes. Too embarrassed to let people know that I wasn't strong enough to overcome a pebble thrown in my path.
So back to my original question. Why is it that one remark triggered an avalanche of thoughts and feelings? I think on one of my first posts, I mentioned that if I didn't like thinking about something I would slough if off and simply say "I'm just not going there." So what is it that made me go there? What is it that makes me conjure up everything that I think is wrong in my life, because one person said something hurtful? Am I the only one who does this? Please, even if I am, tell me others do it, too. I don't want to think I'm an absolute dork.
And then my other question is...is it wrong to make mountains out of molehills? Sometimes I think I have to once in a while to maintain some emotional health. If I buried everything all the time, I'd be constipated and cranky. I bury enough to stay cheeful, at least that's what I tell myself. So if something happens- a molehill- and I decided to make, or can't keep it from becomin, a mountian...is that so bad? Four hours later, and I'm on a relatively even keel again - I didn't let the lava flow for days. I feel a bit battered and bruised, but I'm convinced that a good night's sleep or a piece of watermelon will take care of that. Hmmm, watermelon. I told my husband once when he asked if there was food in heaven that there had to be. It wouldn't be heaven without watermelon. I'm suddenly feeling much better!
Calling it a mountain might be a bit of an understatement. It was more like the molehill became a volcano! My emotions exploded into thought patterns that are wholly unproductive and really hard to shake. I suddenly wondered why I dismissed my own feelings as insignificant. Where in my upbringing was I told that what I thought and felt didn't matter? That snowballed into a host of other inacurate thoughts...like I have no friends; Nothing ever works out the way I want it to; all my dreams in life are ridiculous...and so on. And then I realized that I was embarrassed because someone had hurt my feelings. I thought that made me weak and in tandem, unloveable. I found myself angry at those around me who seemed to be in control. On the other hand, those who were emotional, or tender, I emphasised with them to the point that I cried right along with them.
And the funny thing was - as much as I wanted someone to comfort me, tell me I was still an okay person, if they attemped to climb the mountain, I pushed them off. I was too proud to let anyone know or see what was at the heart of my red, puffy eyes. Too embarrassed to let people know that I wasn't strong enough to overcome a pebble thrown in my path.
So back to my original question. Why is it that one remark triggered an avalanche of thoughts and feelings? I think on one of my first posts, I mentioned that if I didn't like thinking about something I would slough if off and simply say "I'm just not going there." So what is it that made me go there? What is it that makes me conjure up everything that I think is wrong in my life, because one person said something hurtful? Am I the only one who does this? Please, even if I am, tell me others do it, too. I don't want to think I'm an absolute dork.
And then my other question is...is it wrong to make mountains out of molehills? Sometimes I think I have to once in a while to maintain some emotional health. If I buried everything all the time, I'd be constipated and cranky. I bury enough to stay cheeful, at least that's what I tell myself. So if something happens- a molehill- and I decided to make, or can't keep it from becomin, a mountian...is that so bad? Four hours later, and I'm on a relatively even keel again - I didn't let the lava flow for days. I feel a bit battered and bruised, but I'm convinced that a good night's sleep or a piece of watermelon will take care of that. Hmmm, watermelon. I told my husband once when he asked if there was food in heaven that there had to be. It wouldn't be heaven without watermelon. I'm suddenly feeling much better!
You most certainly are not the only one that does it! I do it, too and I am pretty positive I could name a long list of other people that do it, too. You might be a dork, but not because you get emotional over things ;]
ReplyDeleteI agree that sometimes you do have to let your emotions go for just a little bit, and from what it sounds like and from what I know about you...you don't do this very often so I think that it's okay. It might not have even been what they said that was the problem, maybe just the fact that you needed to let some things out and that comment was something that sounded good to erupt over. I dunno. I get that way sometimes so don't think you are alone :] love you!
Oh my word, I have TOTALLY felt this way. In fact, I literally dropped my jaw by the end of the second paragraph, because it sounded so much like thoughts I have had. What is even more remarkable is that I, like you, have felt very often the way that you describe feeling in the fourth paragraph, that you usually don't "go there." In fact, normally I feel that I'm pretty good at not letting things get under my skin. But then when something does, it's usually a doozy for me, and I ruminate on ugly, broad, self-pitying concepts that really have very little to do with the issue.
ReplyDeleteI'm impressed that you were able to put into words what we all feel periodically. Thanks, April! It helps to know that others understand those feelings.
We all feel like that sometime. I remember at Matt and McKenna's wedding I was in the waiting room just after the sealing and I was hugging Graham because I was really happy and I felt really blessed to be able to witness their sealing so closely after mine. Then some temple worker came up and said "Are you two engaged?" I responded with "No, we're married" and her snarky response was "Well, then that can wait til home". I never thought hugging in the temple was inappropriate and she made me cry. I ran to the bathroom. Luckily Shannon saw the whole thing (Graham was a little distracted and didn't notice how upset I got) and she came in after me. I'm glad I had a sister to comfort me. I think that temple worker was out of line. I should have just let it go. I don't think God was bugged that I was hugging my husband of five days in the temple. He was probably happy for us and happy for Matt and McKenna.
ReplyDeletePeople just don't think when they speak and then feelings get hurt. Even thinking about it I get all riled up. I think it's important to recognize how you feel, and if you need to cry, CRY! Sometimes you just gotta let it out. That's what I tell Graham when I'm weepy for no reason. What's important is that afterwards you can pick yourself up again. Thank heavens for watermelon :)