Sunday, May 22, 2011

Mountians and Molehills

My quesition for the day is - why do molehills become mountains? Someone said something today that hurt my feelings. It wasn't a big deal, really. Just a comment that was in response to something I though rather innocent. The remark made to me was a little out-of-line and I should have brushed it off. I don't think it was intentially meant to be mean. But that little molehill of a remark became a mountain. Four hours of crying off and on (I'm still a bit weepy when I think about it)and I realized that it opened a pandora's box.

Calling it a mountain might be a bit of an understatement. It was more like the molehill became a volcano! My emotions exploded into thought patterns that are wholly unproductive and really hard to shake. I suddenly wondered why I dismissed my own feelings as insignificant. Where in my upbringing was I told that what I thought and felt didn't matter? That snowballed into a host of other inacurate I have no friends; Nothing ever works out the way I want it to; all my dreams in life are ridiculous...and so on. And then I realized that I was embarrassed because someone had hurt my feelings. I thought that made me weak and in tandem, unloveable. I found myself angry at those around me who seemed to be in control. On the other hand, those who were emotional, or tender, I emphasised with them to the point that I cried right along with them.

And the funny thing was - as much as I wanted someone to comfort me, tell me I was still an okay person, if they attemped to climb the mountain, I pushed them off. I was too proud to let anyone know or see what was at the heart of my red, puffy eyes. Too embarrassed to let people know that I wasn't strong enough to overcome a pebble thrown in my path.

So back to my original question. Why is it that one remark triggered an avalanche of thoughts and feelings? I think on one of my first posts, I mentioned that if I didn't like thinking about something I would slough if off and simply say "I'm just not going there." So what is it that made me go there? What is it that makes me conjure up everything that I think is wrong in my life, because one person said something hurtful? Am I the only one who does this? Please, even if I am, tell me others do it, too. I don't want to think I'm an absolute dork.

And then my other question it wrong to make mountains out of molehills? Sometimes I think I have to once in a while to maintain some emotional health. If I buried everything all the time, I'd be constipated and cranky. I bury enough to stay cheeful, at least that's what I tell myself. So if something happens- a molehill- and I decided to make, or can't keep it from becomin, a that so bad? Four hours later, and I'm on a relatively even keel again - I didn't let the lava flow for days. I feel a bit battered and bruised, but I'm convinced that a good night's sleep or a piece of watermelon will take care of that. Hmmm, watermelon. I told my husband once when he asked if there was food in heaven that there had to be. It wouldn't be heaven without watermelon. I'm suddenly feeling much better!